November 6, 2013

i must have cried a thousand oceans....

today is one of those days. no these past two days have been those kind of days. 
just feeling a little gloomy with little spurts of sunshine. 

i have these little dreams. i've been dreaming them for the past 16 months. it goes a little something like this. 

there are morning parties on top of our bed with a little baby or two or three. piri always squeezes in and wiggles his cocker butt and makes us all laugh. 

most mornings it's a cereal and orange juice kind of breakfast -- catching the early morning news, stealing kisses and hugs, double checking schedules to see who picks up what and who. then we all grab our keys and backpacks and head out the door to work and school.

but there are mornings where we have blueberry pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs. we all watch cartoons and stay in our pajamas just a bit longer than usual. even though i tell them scraps are bad for piri, he still gets some pieces. he knows that sitting under the table is the best spot -- either the kid will give or drop. he'll take either.  

16 months ago we decided to expand our little family. as selfish as it may sound, before that my heart only had room for yangkyu and piri. i wanted to spend all my time with them and fill my heart with only them. but then something changed and i wanted us to be a bigger family. i wanted to be a mom. i wanted yangkyu to be a dad. i wanted piri to experience the warmth of having a little baby to become sworn buddies for life. the timing felt so right for all of us. it just felt like the natural step forward. 

i never knew infertility would affect us. but it has. and i have relived the worst day of my life, every month for the past 16 months. i've had breakdowns. i specifically remember last december, i found out during a work meeting that i wasn't pregnant. i proceeded to go to a nearby cafe and literally had a meltdown. yangkyu came to pick me up that day in dc. 40 minutes out of the way. but he came. he was there for me all the time. he was a steady rock through the turmoil.

every month i have tried not to get my hopes up but i always secretly carved out 1% of my heart to hope that perhaps maybe this time the result would be a positive. but that would never be.

yangkyu and i are just coming off of our fourth failed iui treatment. we decided to rest this month because frankly my heart needed that break. i haven't talked about this even to some of my close friends. i couldn't bear to hear one more person tell me that it will happen if i stopped thinking about it. i know they mean well but it's hard to hear. i would reply back and say "yeah.. maybe you're right" but in my head i'm asking, "but how do i not think about it? how would you be able to not think about it? do you have a real answer to that? because if you do, i would love to know." 

but i realized one thing. on my 14, 15, 16 months of trying, i did stop thinking of "it" less. the two week wait to find out if i was pregnant got less excruciating. but if this is what it takes to not think about it - that it would take all these months and a crushed, tired heart and mind - then that piece of advice is the most cruel advice any person could receive. 

i'm still letting out deep sighs. and i worry. skipping out on treatment this month was a difficult decision. i keep thinking, what if this time would've worked?

i worry. i'll be turning 35 this december. why didn't we try earlier? why did we wait so long? 

i worry.... that maybe we are just not meant to be parents. 

that thought breaks my heart into a thousand little pieces. 

50 comments

  1. Oh Jane :c It breaks my heart reading this sad post.
    And I want to find some way to help you cheer up.
    Maybe I can airmail some of those blueberry pancakes!
    I just want you to be happy afterall, of what you have
    right now, which persons you are surrounded by and
    the things that are already succeeded. Big hugs! XXX

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    1. aww airmailing blueberry pancakes is such a sweet idea. thank you for your words, love and encouragement. it truly means a lot. xx

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  2. There are no words I can write to this post right now that would make you feel better, but know, Jane, that even if we're just friends online, my thoughts are with you and Yangku. (((HUGS)))

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    1. thank you. just this comment and knowing you read the post somehow makes me feel a lot better. thank you for the support and love. xx

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  3. oh sweet Jane. there is absolutely nothing that I can say to this, but I am crying with you and still hoping for you and your beautiful little family. please know that. xx

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    1. thank you. i'm really speechless by all the support and words of comfort. we definitely feel the love and hope. we'll continue to stay positive. xx :)

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  4. Thank you for opening your heart to us, Jane. If there's anything I can do to help cheer you up, let me know. Big hugs!

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    1. thank you! big hugs right back. it's a wonderful feeling to know that there are people from all corners of the globe who are so supportive and loving. :) xx

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  5. Oh Jane. Your post has broken my heart into a hundred tiny pieces. Part of the reason Rick and Ihaven't really been that concerned with "trying" is that we already know it will be difficult for us and fourteen + months of crying our eyes isn't really the sort of thing anyone relishes jumping into. But just think of how strong you are to have made it this far. You're already far stronger than I.

    Two more things, that may be of cold comfort but I feel they bear saying anyways. 1) The 35 deadline is a myth based on outdated data. Age doesn't really affect your ability to conceive these days until at least 40. And 2) There are many ways to build a family beyond the old fashioned way. While it would be a different experience, I know that you will find a way to build the family you want and deserve.

    Hugs. You are strong and beautiful.

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    1. thank you, mariko. i think i feel a lot stronger from everyone's comments and support. really very uplifting.. like i can move forward again. my hugs to you and rick. xx and you are so right about the age and building a family beyond the old fashioned way. :) sometimes we let the situation take over us and make us feel like it's the end of the world. but it's not. there are possibilities. always. :) thanks for the reminder!

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  6. I'm going through the exact same thing. It's really, really sad.

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    1. i'm so sorry to hear. my thoughts are with you. and sending you hugs.

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  7. Oh Jane. I want to give you the biggest hug right now.
    Weeping with you and hoping with you....
    Ronnie xo

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    1. thank you, ronnie. it's very comforting to read these comments. really floored by everyone's love and support. touched you are by our side -- i truly appreciate it so much. xx

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  8. Jane :( I know we've never met in real life, but I wish I could give you a hug right now and cry with you.

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    1. thank you, juni. truly feeling the love and support! xx

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  9. Oh Jane! Thank u so much for sharing something so personal abt yourself. U're so brave to share this & be open with us. Life is really tough & a hurdle like this adds onto the toughness but even though I personally don't know you, I know that you are a strong, resilient, & optimistic person =) Crying, letting it out, being weak & stumbling at times makes us realize more things & strengthens us to go right back up again. Everything unfortunately & sometimes fortunately takes time but it will always be a happy & bright outcome at the end of it all. Good luck <3

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    1. thank you, hanna. i love the positive spirit of your words. it's making me look on the bright side again and get me back on my feet. just what the doctor ordered :) xx

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  10. Jane, thanks for sharing something like this with us, my heart feels for both you and your husband. I'm keeping you both in my thoughts and sending you a big big hug from Texas.

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    1. texans give really great hugs. i'll take one any day. thank you so so much~~ xx

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  11. I am very sorry =/ I can say I pretty much know how you feel. My husband and I tried for 5 years before we decided to call it quits. I wanted to be at a place where people mentioning being pregnant or seeing babies would hurt less and I am at that place now for the most part. I won't say anything cliched because I know how obnoxious they are. But here are some super big cyber hugs for you.


    On the flip side you look great for 35..I thought you were around 21 or so :)

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    1. i'm so sorry to hear. 5 years must have been a tough journey. i hope to be as strong as you one day... cyber hugs are wonderful and sending some your way as well. and you made me smile. i'll take a pass at looking 21 any day. ha :) xx

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  12. Oh Jane... welling up as I read this post. I just want you know that you're incredibly brave to be going through this, and my heart goes out to both you and Yangkyu. Even though I don't know you personally, you two just seem like the most genuine, sweetest people, and I can only hope, and pray that things will look up from here for you guys. Sending all my love and hugs to you right now <3

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    1. thank you for your sweet sweet comment. so touched by your love and support. xx

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  13. Stay strong! I hope you can get some rest! If there is anything I can do, I'm only a blog away!

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    1. thank you! your comfort means a lot! xx :)

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  14. My mom gave me a birth after 8 years of marriage. Recently my friend's sister in law got pregnant at 42 and everything is just normal. There is always a hope, and if there is no 'it' there is still life, beautiful and full of the things we could be devoted to and passionate about, that can give us happiness and peace. I know it is easy to say and it takes a lot of spirit and 'emotional processing' to accept and feel serenity again, the kind of serenity u don't have to remind yourself about, but serenity that is really part of u and in you by default. I know that nobody can tell u the 'right words', but still there is a little bit of e-love from this corner of earth going towards u. xx

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    1. i feel more grounded after reading your comment. and so strength to keep moving. thank you for that. and i can definitely feel your e-love. :) sending some right back. xx

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  15. Hello, I've just discovered your blog. Your blog and words are full of life. I get sad when I was reading it. Unfortunately, it happens suddenly in some cases, even my parents waited for me for 10 years then they gave up, and I popped up! I wish all the best for you, and I hope you'll never get it as an obsession, because your happiness doesn't rely on a child, rather it is based on your life and love even though a child is a happiness too.

    Take care!

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    1. so glad to have you here. thank you so much for your words!

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  16. Try to keep your head up. This is something that not many can say that they understand but... if you want something that bad, you keep trying :) Sounds like He will too so there's that to be happy about!

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    1. so true. trying never hurts. thanks so much for your words.

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  17. No one is too old to be a mom. Please dont let that age myth put too much pressure on you and dont give up on hopes. We often have doubts and questions in our lives that we cant always answer, i realize sometimes we just have to leave them unanswered and stop asking in order to stop hurting ourselves. I am a true believer that everything in life happens for a reason, we may not know what it is for now but one day we will. My heart and prayer go out to you and hope everything work out soon.

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    1. yes. everything does happen for a reason. it's so great to hear from you again! missed you! thanks for your encouraging words!

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  18. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Sending you an email!

    xo, Yi-chia

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  19. Oh Jane, I'm so sorry to hear that you and Yangkyu are going through this. Life can really be unfair sometimes.I have a friend who had her child at 40 after dealing with infertility and almost giving up so don't give up hope just yet. Sending you positivity, strength and hugs.

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    1. Thank you. The positivity, strength and hugs are really what I need! Taking them in heaps!

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  20. Aw sweetie, I just sent you an email :) But know that you are in my prayers and I have faith for you!! You have so much love to give and are such a beautiful and special person, please don't ever give up! xoxo <333

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  21. Jane!! Can't believe I'm late commenting this post. I'm crying with you while reading the post. I think it is very precious that you have shared your concerns and sadness with us. I was under lots of family problems, not of the same kind though, and after months of being crashed I realized I was only focusing on that instead of looking at everything else in my life that could make me happy. Your family is so beautiful, sure everything will with time be as you have always wanted to be or even better, you'll see!! :), and hey! do not depress me, 35 is not too old! ;) the biggest hug for both of you!!

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    1. thank you for your sweet words! yes 35 is not old. i love being in my thirties. it's the best time :) definitely channeling your positivity. really needed it! :)

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  22. You can only keep trying. I fear that I may never be a dad because my partner doesn't want. That scares me.

    Buckets & Spades

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    1. thank you. i hope your you and your partner come to a place where you are both happy when it comes to kids. sending hugs!

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  23. Jane, I'm tearing up as I read this and I understand what you're going through. Know that I'm hear for you if you ever need someone to chat with. Sending hugs and prayers your way! xoxo

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    1. xx so so sweet. thanks so much jessica! really means a lot!

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  24. Oh Jane....my heart breaks for you! I pray that when the time is right, you will be blessed with a baby. I don't know when or how but when the time is right. It is wonderful to see all of your readers come together & support you and your family. I know your sharing will help someone in your situation feel not-so-alone.

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  25. A few things, first - my mom didn't think she could have anymore babies but here I am. Also, it took me 2 years before I got pregnant with my first child. It will happen when you least expect it. Last, several of my girlfriends are becoming moms for the first time in their early 40's, all of the babies are beautiful and healthy. It will all be okay. Thinking of you my sweet friend.

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  26. Jane, I somehow missed this post last year but reading it now has really touched my heart. I'm praying with all my might that it will happen for you soon. To tell you the truth, I didn't fall pregnant as quickly or as easily as I'd thought I would. And during the time that we tried, I experienced a heartbreak every month when I realised I still wasn't pregnant. So I do understand, to a certain extent, how you feel. Don't give up hope just yet. 35 is NOT too late.

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