July 23, 2014

the day we lost basil.

i found out i was pregnant on june 28th... then on july 20, the day we were moving to our new home, i had a miscarriage.

i don't know how to tell this story yet. it's still so early and raw. but i feel like i have to say something in order to move on. move on from what i am not so sure, but i feel as though if i'll burst if i don't get at least a few words out. 

some may recall the couple of times i mentioned on the blog our infertility issues. yangkyu and i have been trying for over two years and so when we finally found out that we were pregnant we were overjoyed. we hugged and danced and hugged some more not believing the positive pregnancy test. i must've taken it three times just to make sure. when i was finally convinced, we hung our smile from ear to ear and every morning and night we shared our hopes and dreams for this baby. we wondered who she would look like, what name would fit her best and if she would have yangkyu's mild temperament or my impatient one. 

we called her basil. because a couple of days before i found out i was pregnant, i had a dream of a fresh green potted basil plant. just so piri could be part of the exciting news we called him parsley and russian dog, cilantro. yangkyu and i became "basil papa" and "basil mama". we read up about her every week. the last time we did, she was the size of a blueberry. 

the hours spent at the er seems like a blur. tears came out but i couldn't make a sound. i kept it all inside. after i was discharged and when yangkyu and i stepped outside, i wept. once we made it inside our car, i wailed.

by the time we came home it was only 7 am. i began to pack up the last minute things in our rental. i lifted heavy boxes, got on my hands and knees to scrub and clean and disinfect. i did this for three days straight. i think i was angry, hurt and sad. i just didn't know how to process everything and so i kept busy. yangkyu had off from work so i built us a bubble and we stayed inside it with piri for a couple of days. and from inside, they consoled me. i consoled them. we consoled each other. 

we never got to see her or hear her heartbeat. i never really knew exactly how far along i was until i read my discharge papers and it said that i was approximately 7 weeks and 6 days. yesterday i was supposed to have my first prenatal visit, but instead later on this week i will have a follow up to see if my body is healing properly from the miscarriage. 

i plan on staying inside this bubble for a little bit longer. i don't feel quite ready to come out just yet. to be honest, i'm afraid of people's best intentions.. because while they are good sometimes what they say is hurtful. i don't want to hear things like "at least you weren't too far along" or "it just wasn't meant to be, you can always try again. you're still young." and there are also few people who like to tell these kind of stories as part of their brunch time gossip. i can't bare the thought of my story being shared that way. 

but i feel safe here. talking about this with the people i have come to know and become friends with on the blog. 

i'm still not ok. but i will be. we all will be ok. 

45 comments

  1. It'll take time but I hope for the best for you and your family. Sending positive thoughts and prayers towards you. Just take everything a day at a time. Much love

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  2. Wow, I'm truly sorry that this happened Jane. You're so brave for sharing this truth in your time of grief but I think you're right, that it's important for your moving forward. I'll pray for you and your family. Nothing lasts forever so this feeling will pass soon. So much love and blessings to you and Yangkyu

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  3. I am so very sorry to hear this, Jane. Keeping you and Yangkyu in my thoughts and heart ♥

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  4. Oh Jane... I want to reach out and give you a big hug right now. I'm so sorry my dear, so so sorry. You're right - we'll all be okay eventually. But I'm thinking of you and your family

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  5. OMG, I am so sorry, I don't know what to say. You and Yangkyu will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Allie of ALLIE NYC
    allienyc.com

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  6. I'm so sorry to read this. Love and hugs to you both xxx

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  7. Jane, I'm so sorry to hear. Losing sweet Basil is enough to break your heart for sure. I'm thinking of you and your family. *hugs*

    P.S. I know Yangkyu has a good solid shoulder to lean on. Be sure to take full advantage of that when you need it.

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  8. Jane, I'm so sorry to hear. Losing sweet Basil is enough to break your heart for sure. I'm thinking of you and your family. *hugs*

    P.S. I know Yangkyu has a good solid shoulder to lean on. Be sure to take full advantage of that when you need it.

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  9. So sorry to hear this. I know no words can ease the pain that you're feeling right now but know that you're not alone. We're thinking of you. Lots of hugs.

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  10. Sending you wellness and healing. I am so sorry for your loss. :(

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  11. oh Jane. I am so sorry to read this. I am so sorry for you and your family. It is a struggle. There is pain. It's OK to not be OK. I, too, know the pain. It's not easy. It really...is difficult to put into words. The odd feeling. The weirdness. The disappointment. I'm not sure what word can ever describe the feelings. You're right, sometimes people's best intentions hurt. I never shared my pain with anyone except with two close girlfriends. They were helpful in the sense that they didn't try to mask the pain or say something positive/hopeful. Ironically, that helped and kept it real.

    I can only say that you and your family will move on. It sounds like you have a great support system.

    xoxoxo,
    Nancy

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  12. I am so incredibly sorry to hear this, Jane. Take your time. Lean on Yangkyu and snuggle with Piri. If I could hug you, I would. xx

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  13. Jane, I've been reading your blog for awhile now and consider you a friend, albeit online and we've never really met. This doesn't change the fact that my heart is truly broken for you. My thoughts and prayers for you, Yangkyu and Piri.

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  14. Jane, I'm so sorry to read this. My heart is broken with your loss. Take your time, eventually I know (& you know) that everything will be ok. You're a beautiful soul Jane, our love and hugs to comfort both you and Yangkyu, always.

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  15. ohh this post makes me cry, so sorry for your lost. hope you'll get much better soon, you two are so nice and all my positive wishes are with you <3

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  16. I'm so sorry to hear about little Basil. Sending you, Yangku, and Piri hugs.

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  17. I'm so sorry this has happened to you all. Until you're able to smile fully again you have lots of hugs from all of us and Piri <3

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  18. Like everyone else, so sorry to hear this. Give yourself time to feel what you feel and know that it will get better. <3

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  19. I'm so sorry for your loss...my heart goes out to you

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  20. Sweet friend....sweet friend....my arms and heart are extended to you right now. I know all too well about this as I had 4 miscarriages before we got pregnant with Josie. And like you being in the ER was always a blur for me and all I wanted to do was to live in a bubble away from everyone and everything. Gosh...there is nothing harder. And the comments that people make...I got my fair share of those. You stay strong. I will pray for you friend. Email me if you need anything. I am so sorry....Nicole xoxo

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  21. jane, i am so sorry to hear this. my heart sunk as I was reading. you and your husband are such good people. you would be a great mother. he would be a great father. my grandmother had a couple of miscarriages and it weighed very hard on her. she was blessed with children though. remain prayerful. have faith. i will be praying for you during this difficult time.
    http://www.averysweetblog.com/

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  22. Oh gosh Jane I'm so super sorry, you've got my tearing up for you - just know you have a lot of kind thoughts being generated your way *hugs*

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  23. There are no words I can say that can heal you but know that my love is there and it's being channeled to you. Hold on to all the love. Hold on to it.

    <3 xx

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  24. I'm so sorry, Jane. Sending hugs and strength to you and yangkyu during this difficult time...

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  25. I'm sorry for your loss..We had infertility issues for a long time so I can understand where you're at right now. You will be OK eventually, just take your time. Sending you lots of love

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  26. sending much much love your way.

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  27. I'm sorry for your loss, sending digital hugs to you and Yangkyu.

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  28. Jane I am so deeply and truly sorry to hear this. There are never any sufficient words in a situation like this, but what we can do is always be there. We are your blog family and we will always be for you.

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  29. I am so sorry for your loss, Jane. After reading this post from you, I couldn't help to cry even though I would never know the slightest on what you are going through & feeling. I love your bravery & honesty in saying that you are not ok but you will be. Take all the time you need to heal. There's never a need to force yourself to feel better. Your mind & soul will tell you over time. You & Yangkyu are in my thoughts, my hopes, & my prayers for a safe recovery.

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  30. Jane: Take your time. I know time will heal your heart and make you strong again. Don't lose faith and hope. I have always lived up to this quote...when God takes something from your grasp, he is not punishing you but merely opening your hands to receive something better. A miracle does exist. Sending you lots of positive vibes.

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  31. I'm so sorry and saddened for you and Yangkyu. Take all the time you need for your heart and body to heal. I have no words that could possibly make you feel better so I'm just sending you love and hugs.

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  32. Oh gosh...I'm gonna try and type this without being able to see as my eyes are all filled up now...am really so so very sorry. It is not easy to build yourself up for something like this and then have it go. The emotions that comes from just trying to get pregnant are so so strong and at the same time wear you thin, I can't even imagine this...stay inside your bubble for as long as you need...the healing begins just by being able to share with all of us...my heart and love go to you...am here for you...BIG BIG hugs <333333333333333333333333333333333333

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  33. Oh, Jane...I am so, so sorry for your loss! I am truly at a loss for words, because I can not even imagine what you are going through...there will be no bits of advise here! And I'm sure that unsolicited advise is the last thing you want to hear! Please, though, feel free to use your fellow bloggers as that ciber shoulder to lean on whenever you need to just let things out! We are here for you, my dear! <3

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  34. Oh Jane, i'm so sorry for your lost. I'm not good with words of comfort. I can't even imagine what you're going through. but i just want to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  35. I'm so sorry to hear this. What a difficult time for you.

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  36. I only just read this, Jane.
    I'm so sorry. So very sorry....
    Love and prayers,
    Ronnie xo

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  37. I'm so sorry for your loss, Jane. Keeping you in my thoughts <3

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  38. I am very sorry to hear about your loss, Jane. Take your time in your bubble and be gentle with yourself. You and Yangkyu and Piri are in our thoughts.

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  39. Hang in there. I can't imagine how it must have been. Take care. Hugs.

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  40. So so sorry about this. Thinking of you all and hang on there you will be okay. Lots of virtual hugs

    Katrina Sophia

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  41. Oh dearest Jane :c
    be in that bubble Jane and take as many time as you want,
    you are going to be ok! I'm thinking about you guys Xx

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  42. I am so sorry to hear this Jane. My thoughts are with you. Sending much love your way. Take care.

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  43. i feel really bad for you Jane. hope you are feeling better. many years ago, i lost my 2nd child very early in the pregnancy. my gynae said 2 things to me. it was nothing you did and this is nature's way. i found some comfort in his words although nature's way hurt very much. he also said to try again soon and not to grieve too long. so you keep fighting, jane.

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  44. Hi Jane, I just read this (from the link on your Year In Review). I'm so very sorry for your loss. My sister-in-law went through the same thing just a month ago, and our whole family is still grieving over what would have been my father's first grandchild. But after the rains, come the rainbow. And I wish you and your family all the happiness and sunshine always.

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