September 12, 2014

Thoughts on this summer of clovers to head into the weekend.

I found some time on my hands yesterday and finally got around to doing my part of the yard work, which was to trim the pesky grass in-between our fences. I must say, I thought it would be a quick job but ended up taking about 2.5 hours and a lot of sweat. Afterwards though it felt good. Even drinking an entire bottle of cold water tasted a bit more refreshing. I guess the rewarding feeling has all sorts of positive effects on the body, mind and soul. 

The other day, the three of us - Yangkyu, Piri and I - went to a local garden center to pick up some Dr. Earth products. We held out for as long as we could but once those brown spots and weeds had a more visible presence on our lawn, we knew it was time for some treatment. To be honest, I think I was in denial in the weeds department.

When I was pregnant for that very short time, we called her Basil. Most of you know that by now. What I didn't share though was that Yangkyu and I started a short list of possible baby names. And right around the time I miscarried, I was stuck on the name Clover. For some reason she felt like a Clover. After trying for over two years, coming to terms with infertility and four failed IUI treatments -- we had conceived her naturally. She was our little bundle of luck. And for her middle name, I was leaning towards Yeo Reum {여름}. It means summer in Korean. My favorite season and the season when we conceived her. 

It didn't click to me that clovers are considered weeds. And so when we began to have a clover crisis in our backyard, I couldn't bear the thought of killing them. Because clovers weren't weeds and clover was supposed to be our baby. This may all sound really weird and silly to you, and I don't blame you. I look back now and I'm kind of tilting my head thinking, "really, Jane?" But that's what I was feeling back then. And so we, ok.. I just let the clover patches be. But then they started multiplying. And growing. And sprouting up in other places. And the whole thing just got ridiculous. 

Summer is almost over. And the clover patches are now being sprayed. Both are coming to an end. And so maybe I'm finally learning to let go. The process has definitely come in increments. First my actual miscarriage, and then my second bleeding. I found out that my body was actually holding on to a piece of placenta, which it finally let go a few weeks ago. It was another physically painful experience that was probably a bit more traumatic and hard emotionally than the actual miscarriage. And now finally this mental process of letting clover go. 

I didn't mean for this post to sound so depressing. It's really meant to be more uplifting, for me at least. I read on this guest post on Little White Whale, where it said that we can look at fall as starting new. Almost like a new year. I liked that perspective. And so, I'm ready to start new. I think I'm ready. 

This weekend a couple of my very close girlfriends are visiting. I can't wait to see them and spend time with them. It's been too long. I think Piri will be super excited to see them again, too. And Yangkyu always have been fond of them and he's also delighted that they are making the trip down. 

Are you ready to say bye to this week? If so, I hope your weekend will be a fulfilling and relaxing one. 

43 comments

  1. Goodness, made me cry a bit. Everything had a connection here really. But, thing that is most over-looked with what we call 'weeds' is that they are super strong and tough and come back again and again. And all good things are coming to you, I know it. You both deserve that!! Big hugs and love to you both xx

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    1. so true kizzy. weeds do come back strong and tough :) xx

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  2. I think the story that you just shared is beautiful. I completely understand your connections and feelings that you were having. And the name that you picked is so very special......hold on to that.....it will bring you good luck as I feel that your little clover is a message to you both that wonderful things lie ahead. God bless you friend and I hope that your weekend with your girlfriends brings much goodness and laughter.....Nicole xo

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  3. Your candid way of talking about matters close to the heart fills me with respect for you. Thank you for sharing your stories even the painful ones. They are beautiful and linger in my thoughts long after I have read them. Thank you.

    I won't dwell on the painful Jane. I will instead remind you of the email I sent you and tell you that I meant every word of it xx

    I like the name clover and understand why it appealed to you. When I think of clovers I think of Hiro's great grandmother. People tell me that she had the extraordinary talent of being able to pick out a 4-leaf clover in a heartbeat. Also, my favourite manga character is called Yotsuba which means 4 leaf clover. She is a energetic, cheerful, curious, odd, and quirky kid with the ability of making everyday things seem wonderful and new with her fabulous outlook. So I guess clovers mean something to me too?

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    1. Oh I love that - Yotsuba. I'm going to have to look her up. She may just become one of my favorite manga characters as well. She has characteristics that I adore and admire :) xx

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  4. Great post hun and what a lovely blog :) I'm Jenna btw and recently started a blog on self help, happiness, positivity and motivation. It'd be amazing if you checked it out and tell me what you think :)

    http://www.livenpresent.com
    xxx

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  5. This post was really touching, I'm sorry to hear about the second complication. Hope you have an amazing weekend with the girlfriends.

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    1. thanks so much jane. hope your weekend was lovely.

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  6. Thinking about you and love your pretty shots from the week. Hope you have a good weekend.

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  7. Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us Jane. Thinking about you and our sweet family, Piri and Yangkyu. xx Kat


    Love and Ace

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  8. Jane, there's really nothing new I can add to what the others have said above. Thank you (again) for sharing such personal stories with us. That's what life is all about....a series of happiness interspersed with pain and suffering. You're so brave for sharing not just the ups but the downs, which is a part of the healing. ((((hugs)))

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    1. thanks for always being here and listening and sending such comforting and warm words xx

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  9. I think I've said it already, and a lot
    of people here agrees, you are such
    a bright and strong person Jane.
    Clover is a beautiful name and I can
    imagine how you feel about the
    clovers in your yard and I agree with
    Kizzy ^ about weeds. They are strong
    and a real tough cookie :P
    *big virtual hug and kisses* Xx

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  10. Thank you for sharing Jane! A loss like the one you went through can't be easy to let go of at all so it does take time for you to fully process everything. I'm really so sorry to hear that you had to endure another physically painful experience. Here's to healing and new beginnings and a happy weekend with your girlfriends!

    Rowena @ rolala loves

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    1. yes definitely! here's to healing and new beginnings xx

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  11. I'm glad you're open to the fresh, new start, Jane! I know how difficult is must be for you, but I also know that you are one strong cookie! Sending all my love! Have such a wonderful weekend with the girls <3

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    1. Thanks so much Jessica. I thought I was ok but I really think that now I'm finally ready.. to put everything behind me.. hope your weekend was wonderful as well. xx

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  12. Clover and Yeo Reum is such a beautiful name. Sorry to hear that there was a second episode, take care of yourself. May the turning of the season bring your family new hope. Have a wonderful weekend.

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  13. Things will get better Jane. I know they will. I'm so sorry you had to go through these things. An the analogy regarding clover made my heart sunk. Pray and have faith that things will turn around. Just when you think things are at it's bleakest is when things turn around. Stay strong and have a fun weekend doll.

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  14. I found this post to be uplifting actually. You sound like you're in a much better place, like you've become stronger, like you're ready for a new start and I think it's because you are ready. Isn't it funny how our minds grow attached to certain things just because of their affiliation with something or someone you love? I loved the backstory of what the clovers in your garden came to mean and that you've acquired the strength to move forward. I love fall for that reason too. Have an amazing weekend Jane :)

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    1. Thanks always!! Your words are even more uplifting to me :)

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  15. Me too, I did some garden work this week! I pulled all the dead weeds we'd spray treatment on the week before. My arm is now aching because of that! It was sastifying though :-)

    Jane, it is not silly that you were hesitant to kill those clover plants. And I am incredibly proud of you for doing it eventually, you are determined to move forward with optimism.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, it is actually lovely to read.

    Katrina Sophia

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  16. Oh Dearest Jane; To tell the truth, I've had infertility treatment for several years and didn't work for me about more than 30 years ago. So after we gave up the treatment, we had a baby dog which was a present from my husband. He died only 6 years old, hubby didn't want me to have another one seeing my grief.
    It sure is heartwarming to read your thoughts for the clover and the weed, my young friend. Haha, I did some weeding work and it's not my favorite job.
    Sending Lots of Love and Hugs from Japan, xoxo Miyako*

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    1. Oh Miyako. Thank you so so much for this message. I have been more keen about this experience to become a mother and now know what a tough and hard journey this is. I'm so sorry to hear that your beloved dog died at only age 6. It's so hard to grieve and say good bye to our furry family members. Sending you much love. So glad to have met you on the blog. xx

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  17. Sweet Jane! You do have the most endearing & touching ways to talk about the things affecting your heart. I give you the warmest hug and wish that the fall will come as a very invigorating new year. It's fun to read that it's actually a thing but also fall has that meaning for me, maybe more than January 1st (and also really hope this one will mean a change in my daily life as well, not so cheerful right now). Your plans with your girlfriends sound fun! Hope we get to meet her through pictures :)

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    1. Thank you so very much Damaris for always being there and leaving such sweet and encouraging messages!

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  18. Sweet Jane. I'm always so struck by the candid and clear way you are able to articulate your emotions in these posts. I am glad to hear that you are achieving some peace after so much heartbreak.

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  19. Thinking of you dear. I cried reading this, but I don't think it was depressing...just very touching and emotion-filled.

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  20. aww Jane, definitely not silly, we all travel these strange/horrible/exciting/weird/unfathomable detours on our journey and they way we navigate them will always be so individual It's nice to be able to see the seasons changing and offer uplifting thoughts :)

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  21. Oh Jane...don't think you're being silly at all. I teared up reading about Clover...They're all over my backyard at the moment and now everytime I see one, I shall think of you. I hope fall brings to you a new beginning. Take care, my dear friend. You're in my thoughts.

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  22. Clover is a lovely name, jane. xo

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  23. Jane, this was not silly at all! I'm so sorry to hear about Clover! I can't even imagine the heartache! You guys will be in my prayers! xoxo

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