June 8, 2015


Several days ago I made a random decision to cut my hair. I haven't had it cut in 2 years and throughout all this time I've trimmed my own bangs and even bought thinning shears to thin out my own hair all around. 

You see, right after my wedding {almost 6 years ago} I chopped off all my hair - it was pretty long then but for some odd reason I thought it would be liberating to get rid of the long locks. I ended up with a super short cut and I had a hard time styling it and feeling good in it. The cut came at a time when I gained weight rapidly and so I was feeling a little insecure about my body image {still am, but trying to be better at it} because I felt as though the short hair-do made me look heavier. 

Anyway, I went through this short hair style phase for a long time because I didn't have the patience to grow it out again, but then a stylist I once saw in Flushing, NY, during a short trip we made there, once said to me that I would never be able to grow my hair out again. That I was stuck with this short cut. FOREVER. It was just such a shocking admission. I was a bit taken aback because of how confident she sounded, too. And maybe a part of me wanted to prove her wrong. And so I bit the bullet and decided to be patient through all the awkward growing out phase.

I also ended skipped going to the salon altogether. 

Well, I skipped going mainly because every time I asked for a trim, with the stylists I saw here in my neighborhood, they would cut 2 inches off and I felt as though every time I grew some hair out it would get all cut off. What?? Why?! Was this a conspiracy theory to prove that I wouldn't be able to grow my hair out? 

I jest. But man was it annoying.

When I was living in New York, I went to a salon in midtown called Le Salon Chinois {now closed} and had the best stylist ever. Her name was Asami and she would give me these cuts that looked fabulous even after I washed my hair. I literally didn't have to do anything to it. Sometimes I didn't know what I wanted and she would come up with a style that I ended up loving. I asked for hair dyes that was the closest to my natural hair color and she did exactly that.

Ever since moving to the Virginia area I have been going to a place I was pretty indifferent to. The people were nice but every time I went with a picture of a particular hair style I came out looking the same. They never did what I asked them to do but perhaps then I didn't really care about my hair either to switch places. And then I just stopped going. 

YouTube tutorials on how to trim bangs became my best friend. I turned to natural products and lots of conditioning to make sure my hair was moisturized as my hair grew longer. But the tangles. And the shedding. It was getting a bit too much. And all those different hair styles I wanted to try when my hair grew long? Never really happened. Or never really looked right. I mean do they ever? {If they do, tell me your secret because I want to know!}

So why was I torturing myself with all this hair? 

On Sunday, I walked into a salon and came out pretty content.

While it does seem a little weird not to have all this hair to put up in a messy bun {I look at the picture on the left and miss the messy look} and those insecurities about looking heavier are creeping back on me, I feel as though it's more manageable. And so now I guess I will start pinning different things I can do to style a medium length cut that'll probably end up not looking the way it's supposed to, but that's always the story of me and my hair. Unruly and never wanting to conform, I guess. 

PS - I know I always talk about body image here and how I always say I'm heavy. I don't want to come off as someone who looks fine but is always complaining about how "fat" she is. For me, it's been a bit hard to have gained weight so rapidly and having to deal with it all of the sudden {I never had weight control issues until I hit my thirties, and I think it's one of those changes that my body went through that I am still trying to understand and come to terms with - but even with this, I still say my thirties are the best years of my life!}. I have a lot of fat and flab that I've accumulated all over and it doesn't feel very nice, and isn't probably very healthy either. Those are the things that I feel the most insecure with. I have ran and gone on diets and have lost 13 pounds at one point but I haven't been able to maintain a healthy body. I am still trying. And I am still trying to be ok with my body the way it is and not comparing it with how I was in my early twenties. I'm a different woman now. I just need to find what makes me feel good inside. I know I will find it. And accept it. And love it. I'm sure. But now I'm still searching.

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