July 20, 2015


So I had planned on writing about something really exciting and fun to kick off the new week but honestly this morning I'm feeling a bit uncertain.

I couldn't sleep last night. 

Today and the past few days leading up to today have been pinches of dreadful. Dreadful in a way because I was uncertain. About my feelings. 

This past Friday marked 1 year of us closing on our house. We didn't really celebrate, but rather just acknowledged it. I looked back on the picture we took with keys in my hand, standing in our backyard with Piri. I remember feeling elated. 

A few days later we moved in. Today marks that date. 

Today also marks the day when I miscarried. 

See, it's already been a year and we have so many good things happening in our lives right now and so on Friday and Saturday and then on Sunday, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be upset. But then I got all confused and started feeling uncertain about how I actually felt.

I mean, am I really ok? 
Or am I just trying to feel ok? 
What does feeling ok actually feel like?

Then I saw dots and began to connect them even though they were probably never meant to be connected. Because in my mind everything decided to happen around today.

I had mentioned how Yangkyu and I started calling her Basil. And in another post how I was playing around with the name Clover if it was a girl. It was way too early to even get into baby names but I did anyway.

Anyway, one of the dogs we look after is actually getting a brother - he's a litter from the same mother and so they are really brother and sister. Her owner texted me a few months back to tell me that they decided to name him Clover. Because he was born on St. Patrick's Day. She texted me again yesterday to let me know that they were going to pick him up and bring him home. 

Man. I know. It's like dots that was never meant to be connected. But I kept thinking.. what are the odds of being introduced to a puppy named Clover? Really.

I asked for pictures. He is adorable. Looks just like his sister with different colors. And I think the name fits him perfectly.

I tested a couple of days ago. It was negative. And I'm expecting Aunt Flo or Aunt Dottie, or whatever you call your monthly visitor, today.

Of course. Of course she is expected to visit today. Of course.

I was trying to fall asleep last night but kept remembering my miscarriage. When I woke up to a pain that was so unbearable I can't even describe it. I haven't thought about the experience much but last night I was tossing and turning. And even though I only got a few hours of sleep, I woke up at 5 am. That was around the time when I was being rushed to the ER. A year ago today. 

I went on about my morning how I normally do. When I close my eyes I see me from a year ago, but I also see Yangkyu's face and other random faces - people looking at me with puzzling glances, inquisitive stares, sad faces, consoling looks. The scene plays really slowly and when I can't replay the scene anymore I open my eyes. And then I'm going back to my routine.

I don't know. Honestly. I don't know how I feel. 

Today is kind of a happy, not so happy, day. 

And maybe that's ok, too.

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