September 15, 2015

A little help from a Westie

Yesterday after writing my post, I went through a roller coaster of emotions. Ack! What is going on with me lately?! 

You know, one thought leads to another and those thoughts led me on a string, a medley, of emotions that went from high to low in a matter of minutes. It brought out my past, it brought out things I am struggling with now and in the end I was so tired I just wanted to take a nap but then felt so guilty for not moving about and exercising, which made me stress out. And while my mind was telling me, just do it! I just could not get myself to move.. 

Then it was 3:30 pm. And I hadn't done a single productive thing aside from taking care of the dogs. None of the major project related things on my task list got done. It just sat there in my notes, unchecked, for the past month.

Desperation fell on me like a ton of bricks.

Sometimes I let myself hit what I think is rock bottom. Just to know what that feels like. And for some odd reason my mind and body jump starts again and realizes I can't go on like this.. and so yesterday by late afternoon I was slowly back at it, downstairs making dinner, washing the pile of dirty dishes sitting in the sink and tidying up the house so that this place where I feel the most safe and free, our home, feels like it's breathing again. These were still the basic daily things I do anyway, but I felt a little better. And when I looked down after feeling a bit more lighter on my feet and shoulders was a face of a little Westie puppy, Nala. So precious and bright.

I don't even know what I call these spells. Anxiety? Panic attacks? Depression? But I do get them occasionally. Maybe it's also related to the summer to fall transition that I always have a hard time with.

I am not sure what today will bring. Sometimes I get this overwhelming sense of sadness. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed in general and I can't figure out the first three steps I need to take to get a certain project started, let alone finished. And so I push it aside for another day. And then I get an overwhelming sense of exasperation because some projects have deadlines and I am not sure if I will be able to meet them. 

If I can at least get some planning done for a DIY project today, make a couple of side dishes and get a stinky Piri bathed I will call today successful. 

Wish me luck. 

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