March 9, 2016

Chemical Pregnancy

If our first pregnancy was a successful one, we would've been celebrating her first birthday this month. I'd like to think that maybe she could've shared the same birth date as Piri. 

But instead of baby birthday celebrations, I'm going through my second miscarriage in as many years. 

Yesterday, after being three days late, I decided to test. Again. I already tested earlier and the pregnancy test came out negative. But I was late. Three days late. Which means I can test again, right? My mind always says no. Stop wasting expensive pregnancy tests, but my heart is the push over. It always tells me yes. Do it. You could be pregnant

And so I did. 

I glanced at the test and I cringed.

Negative.

I knew it. I knew it! 

I waited a few minutes before I could look at it again. I just sat that like a statue not really knowing what to think or feel. Then I decided to look at that cruel cruel truth one more time before trashing it. And then I saw it. A faint... a very very faint second line. I couldn't believe it. But I wanted to believe so badly. I took a picture and sent it to Yangkyu. 

When he came home we looked at it over and over again. We went online and looked at other pregnancy tests with lines to faint that you have to squint to really see. Oh my God. I think that really is a positive test. Yangkyu smiled but quickly put on a serious face because he didn't want to get our hopes up. I wanted to take another one last night but Yangkyu asked me to wait until the morning. 

Oh my patience. But hey.. we've been doing this for four years. What's waiting another night. 

And then the morning came and the test was negative. 

I spotted an hour later. 

Then bled a couple of hours after that. 

I had a chemical pregnancy. It's a fancy term for early miscarriage. 

I posted an article about coping with miscarriage on Facebook. It was a passive aggressive way of wondering if people would "catch on" and try to empathize. I was wondering if it would get as many attention as those who share birth announcements. 

I know. It sounds pretty dumb and sour. But... I can't help it. I'm in one hell of a rotten sour mood. 

I cried. I haven't done that in a while. 
Then I cried harder. Alone. 

I don't know why I share these stories online. But it helps me feel better. It helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me to think that maybe one person out there truly knows what I'm feeling. And that thought helps me get over all the other tasteless comments {although not all ill mannered} that come my way. 

I want to scream.

I want to really angry.

I just want to stop feeling this way.

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