April 15, 2016

{Superstitious} Thoughts

On our long drive back home from Florida I had a thought.

I said to Yangkyu, "You know, maybe we couldn't get pregnant all these years because someone knew that Piri would get sick down the line. And maybe that someone wanted to make sure that we would be able to care for him, be there for him, and not also have to worry about caring for a child at the same time."

I get these silly thoughts when things aren't going so well. I try to reason in the most absurd kind of way. But as preposterous as it sounds, I truly believe this in my heart. 

This past Wednesday, I found I out I wasn't pregnant again. And yet for the first time in the four years we've been trying, I prayed and hoped that I wouldn't be pregnant because I was scared that if I was then it would be a sign that Piri would leave us soon. That our time with him was coming to an end. For it was saying that that someone who made sure Piri would have our undivided attention was now saying that it was time for Piri to go. 

A couple of days leading up to Wednesday, I had broken a necklace. It was a cocker spaniel necklace I had bought for myself and called it "a little Piri around my neck." When the chain broke off I stood there, motionless, thoughtless for several seconds. It was dreadful, the thoughts that followed afterwards. What could this possible mean? 

When my childhood cocker spaniel Bobby died at a young age, I blamed it on his red collar. My young heart truly believed that the red collar {the same red collar they put on monkeys in the movie Project X for when they were slated to be put down} had signaled to the dog gods that they could take Bobby away from us. I cried and cried and cried and regretted ever picking out the color red.

Remembering this, I never bought a red collar for Piri since he came to live with me.

I'm not really superstitious. Maybe just a little stitious.

When I asked Yangkyu what he thought during that car ride, he sat there processing it. Usually he doesn't agree with my nonsense, but this time, in that silent car ride back home in absolute pitch darkness, he nodded his head and said, "Yeah. Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right."

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