May 17, 2016

Where did the day go?


I just made myself a cup of hot tea -- a couple of slices of lemon and ginger with manuka honey. The entire day today I've been coughing and sneezing and feeling quite miserable with a stomach ache. 

It's 9:50 pm and I finally have some time in front of the computer to write. This isn't the blog post I had intended to write at 10 am before being pulled away to do something and then at 2 pm before I had to run and take care of something else and then at 4 pm which again I was pulled, in probably two directions this time, to do something I have no recollection of.

I am thinking of lot of different things tonight. 

Like how do people do it? Moms, moms of multiple children, moms of children and fur children. I have a dogsitting business which sometimes feels like a 24 hour job and am caring for a senior dog with medical needs {which sometimes feels like a never ending responsibility as well} but after that I am zapped. I have no energy for anything - I can't find joy in knitting or sewing or reading. Heck, I don't even have the energy to cook meals for me and Yangkyu, especially on days when I am making several meals a day for Piri because he has lost his appetite. Four rounds of making something for the dog and doing dishes for as many times and I kind of never want to touch the frying pan or see my kitchen sink for the rest of the day. Maybe a week. 

How on earth do people do it? 

Baby talk. 

I've been slowly bringing up the subject of not trying anymore. I came across articles of couples who have moved on after years of infertility to accept and move on and still be happy.

I don't think I will live an unhappy life if we don't have kids. But I am afraid that I will still feel terribly sad and lonely among friends who all have growing kids and {rightfully so} the only thing they will talk about is everything baby. I will silently nod and try to find a way to contribute to the conversation yet know that I have nothing to say to add value. And of course, I am afraid that I may feel angry still every time I see birth announcements or mile stones. Those will never end.

I told Yangkyu that if it was just us, somewhere far away, with a bunch of dogs on a farm, away from people, I think I will be ok with not having kids. 

Ha.

But really. I think it hit me after feeling so zapped while caring for Piri lately. I keep thinking in the back of my mind - what if I had a baby this whole time. Would I still have been able to care for Piri this way? I hear from people who say they would've done the same thing I am doing for Piri if they didn't have kids. How they were the same way before their kids came along. As if their dog was now just a dog and not a life worth fighting for because their kids had bigger needs. I thought that to be cruel and I don't ever want to be those kinds of people. I don't judge them. I realize that having a baby changes things in a way people can't even imagine and some things just change. Naturally. Inevitably.

And to be honest, the thought of a commitment in raising a child for the next 20 years of my life seemed really daunting, especially at my age. I'll be 38 in December. If I were to have a baby now, by the time she turns 20 I'll be 58.

Damn. 58.

So I told Yangkyu. Maybe we should just stop trying and live a life we were meant to live. Why go through this torture month after month?

Maybe we were meant to live our life with dogs and give our hearts to animals. We could do that and feel just as fulfilled. We could also do things we couldn't do before, like traveling. During our twenties we were too broke to travel. In our thirties we were too busy to travel. It would be nice to finally go to Korea and Japan and places in Europe we've been always wanting to visit. Just us two. In our own little bubble.

But man. How do you just stop and accept and move on?

Sometimes the answer is clear as day and most other days the answer is just a big dark black hole.

Collecting things.

After trying to go as minimal as possible, I realized I've stopped collecting things. Mainly because of dust. I can't stand dust. And so I got rid of a lot of things I collected - figurines, books, my old CD and DVD collection. They were just taking up unnecessary space. But I was browsing through vinyl records today and realized how I'd like to maybe start a vinyl record collection. My love for music is slowly coming back and so starting a vinyl record collection, starting with The Beatles White album, would be nice.

// I loved alternative and punk music in high school and in SAT school, our teacher told us to bring a book or an article and highlight all the hard vocabulary words to ask during class so he can help us memorize them. While everyone brought all different types of classic literature, I brought in the latest album from Radiohead, The Bends. My hobby back then was to read CD jackets from cover to cover. I highlighted words from the lyrics and asked our SAT teacher what they meant. He wasn't impressed. Annoyed really at my choice of literature and brushed off all my questions as unworthy. I later met my SAT school teacher years later, after graduating from college, when I was giving a presentation on immigration policy to a bunch of students at an SAT school. There sat about 20 students, their TAs and my former SAT teacher. After I spoke the teacher came up to me and asked me all sorts of questions pertaining to community organizing and policy and complimented on how I spoke. After a few minutes of speaking to him, and realizing that he didn't remember who I was, I reminded me that I was a former SAT student of his. His eyes lit up and proceeded to say, "Oh really? Where did you go? Harvard? Yale? Princeton?" I said Syracuse and he just answered with a short "Oh." It wasn't a Ivy League. But I stood there in front of him, the girl who used to carry around Radiohead CD jackets to SAT school, and felt proud that I wasn't a product of their Ivy League graduates who didn't have a clue about pertinent social issues affecting their community. I walked away from that presentation feeling smarter and prouder than ever. Thanks, Radiohead. //

The difference between a decade and two decades.

My friend's little sister graduated from Syracuse this past weekend and so she was there walking our old campus and reminiscing the days when we used to be students there. She also pointed out that next year will mark 20 years since becoming freshmen as Syracuse. 20 years from when we first met and become friends. I remember her pointing that out 10 years ago and it was cool. Now it just made me feel really ancient. And it also made me look back at my life and just profoundly reflect on my journey so far. Am I content with where I am? Did I know I would be where I am now?

I began this blog post wondering where my day has gone, but really I guess I'm thinking, where has the last 20 years gone?

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