A couple of days ago we got a call back from our oral surgeon with results from the extra tests to determine whether Piri's cancer is local or metastatic. Unfortunately it's metastatic, meaning it will or has already spread to other parts of his body, most like to his lymph nodes, glands near his neck and possibly his lungs. The growth in his mouth will grow back. And he will once again have trouble eating because of the discomfort to open and chew.
A couple of days ago wasn't a very good day.
I went through a slew of jumbled emotions that went from a cool calm blue to a hot hot messy red.
I cried and was terribly terribly heartbroken and sad.
Then I was angry. Pissed off that he just can't catch a break. Kidney disease, heart issues and now metastatic cancer? Really? I was infuriated that while we are struggling with infertility, a terminal illness will now that away the constant joy that has helped us get through the roughest of rough days. We can't have a child but sure, throw another wrench at our lives and take away our dog, too. Thanks.
And then hopeful. Somehow he may be able to beat this. He has always been our comeback kid.
Yesterday was better but the tears still come. Today I'm just nervous. The unknowns scare me and put me on edge.
Our primary vet referred us to an oncologist and we were able to squeeze in an appointment before our Florida trip. It's on Monday. Hopefully after that meeting we will be able to find out what stage his cancer is, any treatment possibilities and his prognosis.
Because Piri has renal disease, chemotherapy will be pretty hard for his kidneys. I am just really hoping there is some sort of treatment option for him to slow down the progress of his cancer. But our number one priority for when we choose a possible treatment option is to keep his quality of life in tact. I don't want him to suffer.
Maybe a silver lining in all this? Our vet did say that it looks like his cancer cells aren't dividing fast. Maybe a good news... but quite unfortunate that we need to settle for this type of news as good.
I can't say bye. I can't lose him. I know to non-dog people, and possible dog people as well, I may sound a bit dramatic and crazy. That it's just part of the life cycle. But I just can't. Piri is more than a dog. More than family. He's helped me, helped us, through our most difficult times, and was a loyal loyal companion through all those lonely hard months. I always said, if Piri can live with us forever, I don't need have a baby. He means that much to me. It has always been the three of us and I can't bear the thought of us becoming a two.
I know I'm thinking way too ahead here. That my mind should just focus on the now and continue to do what we've been doing with him -- love him, care for him, have fun with him. I am trying. But I'm scared. And nervous. And mad. And sad.