September 30, 2017

Today

Today I took out Piri's old lead and used it on my walk with Lady. I haven't held it since Piri crossed the rainbow bridge. It fit like a glove. Like it was meant for my hands. Lady and I enjoyed a nice walk - 40 minutes. Our favorite route includes my occasional jogging route. Lady also has been wearing Bartles' old harness. It's like her brothers are always near her, watching out for her. And me. 

Tomorrow marks 3 months since Bartles crossed the rainbow bridge and 14 days until Piri's 1 year of his passing. I have been going through a wave of emotions. Sometimes I just want to be sad. Sometimes I want to be happy. Sometimes I'm anxious because I don't know how to feel. And sometimes just don't have any feelings at all. I just presume that this is normal behavior. 

I've just finished reading The Bright Hour by Nina Riggs. I finished the last 150 pages sitting at a Panera near our home while Yangkyu finished up his homework for one of his grad school courses. At the tail end of the book, I began to bawl. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. It's poignant, sad and beautifully written. 

When Piri was fighting cancer, for some reason I began to read about cancer and children. At the time, Humans of New York was holding a fundraiser for a hospital in New York treating children with cancer. Their pictures and stories broke my heart and I cried every night reading a new story. Then I came across this article, When Do you Give Up on Treating a Child with Cancer in the Times, and I bawled and was amazed at what had happened to this child. It wasn't the same, but I kept trying to imagine the heartache of these parents, families and children as they fought a terminal disease. I was a wreck with my old senior dog fighting cancer, I wondered how much more frightening, tiring, hopeful and at times hopeless it was for these young warriors and the adults who would do anything to protect them. Heal them. It was what I had wanted to do for Piri. I don't meant to sound insensitive comparing Piri's fight to theirs. It might be a tactless way to try and relate, but I couldn't help but try to make a connection. 

I have never done well with death for as long as I remember. Every time I try to figure it out, I talk it out with Yangkyu but we never seem to find an answer.

Tonight is very quiet. Just the sound of my keyboard typing. We'll soon all get ready to go to bed and starting tomorrow, it'll be busy with guest dogs coming and going for most of October. 

One night a couple of weeks ago, Lady got up in the middle of the night, looked in the direction of my closet and started to growl. I was scared but then wondered if maybe Bartles and Piri had come to visit. I coaxed her and told her it was ok. And in my head I thought, "It's just your brothers. It's ok. Go back to sleep." She hasn't growled since that night. I am hoping that it's not because they haven't visited, but because she now realizes that they are kindred spirits, coming to say hello.

3 comments

  1. Oh my gosh! Thank you for the link to that NYT article, Jane. Luckiest of the unluckiest indeed. When my eldest was born, he had a lot of issues. It was such a hard time...hearing what he had to go through....all the surgeries and treatments.I would get jealous every time I would see people with healthy laughing babies. What made me realize how fortunate we were was being at Sick Kids Hospital here in TO and seeing all the children who were in such heart-breaking conditions. To see how brave the children and parents are....that was a wake up call.

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  2. yay for kindred spirits - how lovely :) Never too far away! xoxo

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