October 14, 2015


Sorry guys. This is going to be another infertility post. 

I tend to rely on dreams on occasion. Maybe it's because I used to grow up watching my mom analyze the meaning behind her dreams - whether luck would come our way or not. Any time something good happened to our family, my mom would always have dreamt something beforehand that predicted our good fortune. 

When I was pregnant for a short time last year I had a dream of a freshly potted basil plant. It was so green and fresh that it was really the only thing I remembered from my dream. A couple of days later, after trying for over two years, I found out that I was pregnant and for those short few weeks, Yangkyu and I called her Basil. Then we miscarried and have been trying. Again. And another year and 3 months has passed without a single positive pregnancy test.

But last month I had a dream. 

Yangkyu came to me with a bunch of carrots in a basket. Tops were cleanly cut off, all freshly washed and peeled. I was so surprised and I asked him, "Where did you get all these carrots?" He said, "They are from our garden!" I couldn't get over how orange they were and how study, delicious and fresh they looked. 

And then I woke up. 

The first thing I immediately thought of was my dream of Basil. And then I quickly looked up the meaning of carrots in dreams. Perhaps maybe I was only looking for the definition I was hoping to find, and low and behold it was there -- carrots in dreams could mean fertility and pregnancy. 

So for the next couple of days I waited and waited until I could test, trying to tell myself not to get so excited but at the same time getting uncontrollably excited over the anticipation and hope. 

Not pregnant. 

Maybe I tested too early.

So the next day I tested again. 

Not pregnant. 

Pregnancy tests are cruel. We wait for a month and the negative test results shows up in a matter of seconds. Literally seconds. It makes me feel so .. I don't know the right word.. wiped. Like all the patience, positive thinking and way of life was all for nothing. 

Some months finding out that I'm not pregnant just goes by without any emotion. We just sigh and try to be hopeful for there is always the following month. Other times it's devastatingly sad and I cry and I don't ever want to try again. And then there are times when I get angry. 

That was last month. I was just so damn angry. 

We just found out that we are not pregnant again this month. We also recently had a conversation about when we should just stop trying. When we should finally acknowledge and accept that maybe we really weren't meant to have kids.

I said, "It would be nice if it was just me and you and Piri and perhaps a few more dogs in our family. We can travel and visit places we always wanted to go. Child free. That doesn't sound too bad does it?"

I'm not sure if I meant that or if I was just trying to make myself feel better. 

There are times when I do get worried about having kids late in my thirties. And so perhaps not having kids seems like the ok answer. But then I worry about always feeling empty and sad whenever friends or people around me are pregnant or share their child's benchmark. I know it will always somehow make my heart hurt. 

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